krahka:

So I haven’t yet talked about this online very much because it’s been really sudden and I really hate it and I don’t know what to do with it, but my mom’s in the ICU right now and she’s having significant respitory and kidney failure and there’s like, a pretty good chance that she’s gonna die soon.

So that’s fucked up and I hate it and I don’t know what to do about it. At least with my dad he had cancer for a whole year and we had that time to like, get used to it and even get to talk to him a bit, but with this, it came out of fucking no where. It was literally just influenza. She and I never got around to working out exactly what would happen in this situation because we didn’t really think this was going to happen this quickly.

SO YEAH UH

YEAH

Update: She’s dead now.

I hate this so much.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay. I’ve been through this before just three years ago, so I’m pretty acutely aware that there’s nothing that anyone can say that can help. Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s not your fault. I love you all, and I guess it’d be nice to know that you love me back? But it’s not necessary, because none of the love in the universe can bring my mom back. That didn’t work for my dad either.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, but things are going to change a lot by neceessity and I’d rather not. This all came so suddenly and mom and I didn’t get a chance to have a lot of the talks that would’ve happened if any of us had literally any warning whatsoever. We were already planning on selling the house, but she and I had a nice dream of moving to an apartment together with our cats and having a nice little life away from the baggage that’s accumulated in here. I saw her go through the red tape nightmare that was getting my dad’s affairs in order after he died, and like… she didn’t even manage to finish all that, and now it’s gonna be me who’s gonna have to do all that and I don’t even know where to start.

I’m probably gonna move in with my brother and his wife in Chicago, since I always knew that she was the only thing keeping me here in Michigan. I don’t have a job, I don’t have many friends, I don’t really get out much… there’s nothing here for me anymore.

Wish it were me since she was such a good person who’s done so much good and who had so much more to give and I’m a piece of shit who lives with her mom and doesn’t even have a job and she always kept her family together and I’ve always been acutely aware that I wouldn’t be able to do half of what she did.

I haven’t really processed it quite yet. It doesn’t feel real. Still feels like she’s at work and that’s why I’m in the house alone, but she’ll just come back late and I’ll hear her watching Star Trek in the other room.

Happy freakin’ Mother’s Day, I guess.