It’s often been remarked that Spider-Man’s schtick wouldn’t work nearly so well if he didn’t live in a town with so many tall buildings, but consider: how well would Batman’s “I am the night” routine work if he was operating out of a normal city where people actually live, rather than a perpetually twilit urban hellscape that looks like the Art Deco movement had a one-night stand with Soviet Brutalism in a wrought-iron-and-gargoyle factory?
That is my favorite description of the Batman aesthetic ever.
OMDFG that’s a perfect description.
Imagine Spiderman ballooning in wide open areas. No, sorry, can’t get to that crime, its against the prevailing wind.
Also, Batman brooding on top of a Wafflehouse.
Batman: God, this stupid city with its sufficient lighting and lack of crumbling infrastructure to shoot grappling hooks into
Superman: Everyone for miles has lead poisoning, I’ve spent the entire night stopping crossword puzzle museum robberies and heists at the Second National Bank of Gotham on the corner of second street and second avenue, and earlier the wall of…clouds? smog?…cleared up for a minute and I’m pretty sure the sky was literally blood red
Peter Parker works at the Daily Planet and befriends Clark Kent because they both have all these “sudden emergencies” during work and they tend to be at exactly the same time so they’re constantly having these meaningful glances where they’re like “I know you’re definitely also a superhero, but I’m not gonna break superbro code and out you”.
Then one day they do work together in a superheroic thing and then Spider-Man and Superman have a thing where they are like “HELLO SPIDER-MAN WE ARE MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME” “YES I AM SO GLAD TO MEET YOU MR. SUPERMAN WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE AND DEFINITELY NOT AT WORK”
wheres the fic where Clark Kent gets caught kissing Batman, and then gets hounded by the media every waking moment because “average civilian is dating Batman!!” and Clarks mourning the loss of his anonymity, meanwhile Bruce thinks its fucking hilarious, enjoy dealing w the press in both of your alter egos now, pretty boy, so Clark waits several months for the whole thing to die down before showing up as Superman to some party Bruce is attending and flying up to Bruce and going “paybacks a bitch” and just full on makes out with him in front of like a million reporters
Give me Superman with an awful southern accent. Give me Clark Kent sounding like he grew up on a farm (oh wait). Give me Superman the Journalist using y’all and all y’all and ain’t. Basically just give me Superman from Kansas
And DEFENDING IT.
“No, Lois, it’s not bad English. It’s a descriptive grammar theory and it serves a linguistic function.”
“C’mon, Smallville, are you really defending your use of ain’t?”
“Some of us actually went to class in college. If y’all are gonna give me a hard time about it, I’m gonna fight back.”
Clark making that “oop” noise when he bumps into inanimate objects.
But can you imagine Clark being so conditioned to this he bumps into an unmoving Bruce in the Watchtower once, and Bruce just slowly turns to stare at Clark and now it’s Clark’s turn to freeze because he just ‘oop’ed freaking Batman.
Or using ‘ain’t’ once around Bruce and Bruce just slowly goes rigid and stares at him.
“Did you just say ‘ain’t’?”
“Umm… yes?”
“You’re a writer!”
“Yeah, Bruce, and I’m also a farm boy from Kansas. It’s a legitimate word. Just because I don’t write with it doesn’t mean I don’t say it!”
And Bruce can’t even believe the indignity.
Give me Clark Kent saying YAIN’T
Yo, though, like– Give me an accurately accented Clark Kent and a neutral accented Superman because CLEARLY that’s part of the costume.
And he breaks when it’s just superheroes he can trust around. So the first time someone hears his actual accent, they just feel so lied to.
Bonus points if Batman uses the Christian Bale Batman voice, and whenever the rest of the Justice League is making fun of Clark’s accent and how different he sounds as Superman (he literally just uses his news anchor voice for that), he’s just like “Y’all are just gonna ignore Bruce’s … whatever it is he’s trying to sound like?”
because, like, okay I can buy that maybe he can disguise himself well enough to hide the fact that he’s superman, but i doubt any amount of slouching and glasses wearing can truly disguise that he’s a very tall EXTREMELY muscular man with a jawline that can cut glass.
So basically this newspaper office has this guy who looks like a weightlifter/supermodel just hanging around but he wears glasses and acts like a huge nerd and everyone just goes with it???
Like “Oh yeah, that’s Clark. No no he works here. Oh no don’t bother being intimidated by him, talk to him for five minutes and he’ll devolve into a lecture on proper tractor maintenance. We like Clark.”
I wonder if the ladies in the office ever drag him with them to bars so they don’t have to worry about creeps trying to harass them like “back off creeps our friend here is 6′4″ and grew up chucking hay bales” And then it’s funny because (as far as they know) Clark is like, the meekest lil nerd around. (He don’t look it though!!!!)
It’s just incredible to me that Clark Kent can pull off being a quiet harmless dork while still looking like, well, superman.
Do you think he occasionally turns up to the office Halloween party wearing a really shitty Batman costume?
Krahka's OC and Meta Garbage-Palooza 